Survival Tips: Zombies
Posted by Rey
We have trained. We have learned. We have been exposed to enough zombie movies to understand how life will be when the Dead become Undead but even so, watching all these films, we note that people make the same stupid mistakes. Therefore, this post is written for you folk during a zombie situation and have access to electricity long enough to google “How to survive a zombie infestation”.
- Stock Up On Supplies. You will need This Blog post. Water. Bullets. Food. Bullets. Warm Clothing. Bullets. Netting. The ability to find proper shelter. Medical Supplies. Guns. Bullets. Some sort of telescopic device (eg: Binoculars, a scope on your gun, etc.). Batteries. A Can Opener. Sharp knives. Bullets. Transportation with an alternate power source. Did I mention bullets?
- Conserve Your Bullets. During the early stages of a zombie infestation, people will go nuts. Grandma eating Jimmy’s guts can do that to people. Bullets will be wasted and eventually prove scarce. Plus, with today’s hi-tech weapons you don’t want to try making your own bullets!
- Learn to Shoot. When you do shoot, aim for efficacy. Don’’t just close your eyes and hope for the best: doing so is a sure way to wind up with several zombies pouncing on you and playing with your innards. Don’t be the person who stares at their useless gun after emptying a clip.
- Shoot No More Than Twice. Don’t aim for the head first: it’s too small of a target. You want to survive, not get zombie-killing points, so make sure the brain eating beggars don’t catch you. Therefore, aim at the central hip area to destroy zombie locomotion (especially if they’re the fast runner types) then aim at the head.
- Preemptiveness. Now, of course, you have to prepare for the eventuality of having grave-risen gut-grabbers come on you unawares so avoid those types of situations altogether. Adopt Bush’s attack-first policy. Make the brainless brain eaters afraid of you getting to them unawares.
- Kill from a Distance. From a distance, the world looks blue and green but zombies always look like shuffling, bedraggled humans. Don’t be concerned: if they’re a large, shuffling group that isn’t eating each other they are zombies. Kill with impunity and from a safe, preemptive distance. If the noise draws other zombies, run and repeat. Your priority is to survive, not be a hero. Survivors write songs about dead heroes.
- Avoid Groups. You find a group of bedraggled living people and they have weapons and food and they want to join you. Don’t. Putting people together during a zombie infestation is like your hand waving bloody meat in piranha waters. Instead, take what supplies they offer, give them the advice you learn here and go merrily on your way. Better yet, tell them the opening lyrics of the song you’re writing about them.
- Kill Your Friend. Okay, don’t just outright kill your friend: that’d be murder! But, if you (stupidly–rule 7) opt to survive with more than yourself and your buddy (or group member) eventually gets into a fight with a zombie, follow up on it. Be about thirty feet from them when you ask them, as a friend, to strip so that you can examine their body (see rule 9). If they refuse, beg it as a person wanting to survive. If they refuse again, demand it as a person with a gun who is ready to shoot twice.
- Learn The Signs. You see, you can’t just outright look at a sick buddy and think “he’s a rib-cage ripping rabid zombie!” You’ve gotta identify the signs of the sickness. Infected people always deny the inevitable. If they start looking pale, sweaty, complaining that it must’ve been something they ate and there are no signs of visible wounds, they’re likely a zombie. On the off chance he or she really did eat something nasty, you’ll have to think about the beginning of the zombie infestation and remember all those signs of sickness. If they are sick (be it with a zombie cut or a regular-old infection), offer some of your extra antibiotics, wish them good luck and promptly part company: sick people die and in your world, the dead people chase you.
- Kill the Nutters. Nutters are no doubt insane, sometimes in groups (rule 7), usually preying on other humans and most of the time, welcoming the opportunity to keep a zombie on a leash or in a pit. These folk don’t necessarily fall into a preemptive strike category (rule 6) but they will attack you when you’re sleeping so keep your knife and gun ready to take them out, then dispose of them properly (see below).
- Learn Proper Body Disposal. Remove head, burn everything. Two things you want to avoid: 1) a corpse getting up and 2) animals finding the corpse. Inevitably, animals will become infected (that’s why you stick to canned food, and not killed beasties) but why become the one responsible for such a dire turn of events.
- Seek Shelter. Stick to country houses. A decent country house gives you many supplies and with the open space of the field, you’re able to see from a distance and take out any approaching zombies (or nutters). Of course, you’ll have to dispose of any zombies in the house, but this is usually as easy as opening the door and yelling “Dinner’s ready!” then climbing a tree from a safe distance (see rule 6). When the homes undead occupants shamble out, shoot twice(rules 4 and 5). Also, trees are nice shelter options: zombies are probably not good climbers (especially if you trim lower branches with your knife) and the netting (rule 1) might save you from infected birds.
- Avoidance. Avoid underground shelters like tunnels (because carrion eating rats are most likely infected), apartment complexes (because there’s way too many rooms to investigate and they’re most likely crawly with undead), alleys (dead ends are aptly named), and hospitals (the previously sick are likely now the currently undead). Avoid fighting zombies with knives because 1) by that time you’re way too close, 2) they may get their Infection on you and 3) chances are you’re not going to do the proper damage (ie: removing a head during a grapple is impossible, nor will you have the proper amount of force to jam it into the zombies skull).
10 Responses to “Survival Tips: Zombies”
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Article Tags>> movies | survival tips | zombies
January 4th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Read World War Z.
January 4th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
I can’t believe I’ve never heard of that book: it looks amazing. I’m actually checking now if I can get it.
January 5th, 2008 at 12:21 am
Now I figured it out! You got out out of the big city… and now, you and your wife are creating an army of little zombie killers in the sticks. You’re a few steps ahead of all of us!!!
January 5th, 2008 at 12:54 am
nah, i left all the zombies behind in the subways. That’s why I said “Avoid Cities.”
January 5th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
EXACTLY! You are preparing for when they eventually get to the rural areas.
January 9th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
The weirdest and possibly best thing about WWZ is it’s written by Mel Brooks’ son.
January 11th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
I wonder what your wife thinks when she reads these posts…
January 11th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Actually, I’m more concerned about what she thinks when I started crying reading World War Z. But, to appease the masses:
“What did you think when you first read my Zombie Post?”
“…”
“Laura?”
“…”
January 21st, 2008 at 11:02 am
“I started crying reading World War Z.”
Parts of it are absolutely heart breaking.
March 13th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Hey Rey,
Good points, all of them! I’ve been a long-standing zombie survivalist, training and learning all that I can about the enemy.
World War Z is heart-breaking and amazing. Have you read his other book, “The Zombie Survival Guide?” It’s a must-have for ANY zombie survivalist. While I don’t agree with everything, or the fact that he focuses only on the classic slow-moving, completely unintelligent zombie, his book is a must-have.
Keep up the good posts!