One of the hardest part with this whole school business is figuring out how to deal with it. I’ve been on the receiving end of that sort of thing but it was at an older age so I know how it affected me later in life. I know people who were victimized like that early on and I’ve seen how it affected them as well. But in both (if not all) cases the sage counsel of the Parents is always “Fight Back” or “Look Tough so that they’ll leave you alone.”
Fact is that advice stank. A kid told to fight back usually wound up beat up and in trouble for fighting. A kid told to “look tough” just looked like a target. There will always be those people who want to hurt others for fun but dealing with them can’t always be a fist for a fist, a tooth for a tooth and an eye for an eye?especially if they’re stronger, meaner and faster.
Early on I resolved to have my kids try to figure out other solutions so much so that I’ve argued with family based on my convictions that the way of violence isn’t the answer (ironic: arguing about not-fighting ::sigh::). Surely that sort of thing has its place but it shouldn’t be the common answer.
That’s why I?ve been hesitant in enrolling him in a martial arts program (that an the absurd overemphasis on Eastern mysticism). I mean, sure they’ll teach him focus and self-defense but will they teach him self-control and wisdom? Two things that can only be taught by dedication and life?
So here I go again, warning my family not to give unwarranted and often unhelpful advice. I would like my children to be armed with rightness instead of weapons.
8 responses to “Just Beat It”
Actually, I remember both for myself and other kids my age who may have been picked on, the idea of karate lessons usually came up. I never did take any karate lessons and the emphasis on the mysticism also turned me off. My suggestion? Tell them that he’s taking karate lessons and get him to learn to quote Yoda. This pairing of supposed martial art knowledge and mimicking a muppet with serious language translation issues should ward off the other kids.
Why do I have the distinct feeling that that’s the kindergarten version of slathering honey on your skin to ward off a dangerous black bear…
My parents always got the “if he’d just hit back once they’d leave him alone” argument from teachers and principals. At the time, I wished my mom wasn’t always coming to my defense, and wished she’d let me lift weights. She always said that would stunt my growth. Could I be any shorter? In the end, I honestly can’t see any way we could have handled it differently. Violence begets violence. It wasn’t like there was one stronger kid picking on me; he usually had a crew. My White, Asian, and Indian clique of nerds could draw and knew video games, but they wouldn’t have been much back up in a fight. If I did fight back, I would have been in trouble and as it was, I ended up in the principal’s office a lot anyway and was one of her usual suspects for crap, some of which I was guilty of but not all.
I also remember in third grade when a kid brought a hunting knife to school. He got in trouble and was expelled, and his best friend cornered me in the coat room and punched me in the gut, saying he knew I ratted his buddy out. I really didn’t know if I did or not and denied it between catching my breath, but it didn’t matter. Maybe I had told my mom, and she had told someone at the school, but whether I did or not, from that day on I stopped telling my parents everything and started to withdraw into myself.
There are nonviolent ways to diffuse these situations. You can be “obnoxious” parents and ride the teachers to watch more closely,just don’t let other kids catch on. My mom once told a teacher the only way I could go on a trip to South Street Seaport was if the teacher held my hand the whole time. I don’t need to tell you how the rest of the class responded to THAT. I think the bully thing stems from boredom as well as dominating the smaller, so at times the sense of humor I was developing didn’t always diffuse the situation. The bigger the reaction, the more the abuse. The kids who were left alone were the nice kids who were just sort of there. They didn’t fall into the nerd category but they weren’t jocks or bullies eiter. Just regular, boring, nice people who were left alone because hitting them wouldn’t provoke a big response. I’d flinch, I’d double over, I’d writhe on the ground.
Ultimately, you just have to draw on your own experience and go with your gut instinct. People will have advice, but not everyone went through things you did. Look back and see how you survived, the things you think you did right and the things you wish you’d done differently.
Finally, how long has he been in school now? Is this just his first week? I’d say it’s way too soon to even consider martial arts or anything like that. Some kids will mature while others remain jerks, but as time goes on they’ll also start forming groups and get used to interacting with other children. I think my biggest hurdle as an only child was that I was used to being the “star” of my own show and other kids sensed that. Having friends and being part of a group didn’t lessen the abuse since we were a group of nerds, but it did make it easier to have people who empathized and were going through the same experiences, and I came through it all stronger. I might have preferred to be one of the nice neutral kids that were left alone, but I don’t think I ever wanted to be the bully that was picking on others to be popular and maintain dominance.
It’s uncanny how much school resembles prison or the wilds of some primitive culture. How did any of us make it this far?
Dude, it’s like Lord of the Flies. Kenny Loggins has this song called Back to Pooh Corner (I think that’s the name anyway) and at a certain point the Kenny is entering his son’s room and watching his son sleep and he swears he could hear that old bear’s voice saying “welcome home”. I thought, ‘wow, what an awesome way to reflect back on your childhood.’. And then there’s this way: hearing your son explain matter-of-factly how he got beat up.
I got picked on a bit… but I picked on others as well… I think it all stopped when I went to college.
I can see Rey trying to talk to the other kids dysfunctional parents only to be thrown to the floor and have his hair pulled and his eyes flicked :( It’s a cold disturbing cycle.
Oh, and the martal arts thing… I tried it… it was fun, but sensai told all of us that if we EVER were caught starting a fight we were out of the program. I never had to use it in a fight. The stickball bat worked better anyway.
I found that for a scrawny kid like I was, humor and shame were my best defense. Be nice to the bullies, make ’em laugh, and compliment them on how big they are compared to me. In my twelve years at school, I had only two serious encounters with bullies (neither of which was really that serious), one of which ended with the bully apologizing.
Oddly, I had more trouble with the kids that the bullies targeted. I was smaller than them, so they tried to pass on the abuse. With them, though, I was physically as strong and a little more vicious, so they didn’t bother me much.
Curt: Stoking the Ego of the Bully is odd in how it actually works although it does nothing to stop the Bully from being a Bully. But I bet you had those handy Spider Reflexes to help you out.
B13: Why do you Italians always have to resort to the bat? ;)