Match Point


Any reader of MCF’s site will immediately become aware of a passive paranoia and an actively nourished neuroticism. It makes his nick of the world wide web all the more entertaining and thus has us seeking for more. He’s great, he’s incredibly funny and always engaging—and it’s always great to see him turn red under the collar. I see the side he doesn’t post and am constantly drawn to scare him…

Some years ago I signed him up for some personals site—I can’t remember which. His reaction was fast, furious and fully expected. What I gathered from the experience was that there was a line and once that line was crossed he would nudge it back. I knew a boundary but just kept poking at it.

The Goal: Get MCF to flip out.

Germination: I struck a conversation about how he needed the SciFi channel and proceeded to convince him that he needs cable tv. Now, I know he’s not going to get it—heck, if I lived in that part of New York I might not get it either! Doesn’t matter, it was all part of a ploy to have him say his zip code: which I could easily get online. But by asking him that I knew his paranoia would kick in.

MCF: Don’t sign me up for cable!

Which is the funniest thing I just about ever heard since it would mean that I’m the one paying for it. That aside, I made sure to write:

Rey: I’m not going to sign you up for anything.

The next day we had the following conversation:

Rey: tell me if Elya ever calls you up
MCF: i have no idea who that is
Rey: you shouldn’t have any idea; she’s a chick on some personals site
Rey: from [your neck of the woods]
MCF: ….
MCF: why
MCF: would some chick on some personals site
MCF: from [my neck of the woods]
MCF: be calling me up?
Rey: because I was chatting with her on the personals site.
Rey: and she wants to meet “me”.
Rey: she even sent me a picture.

The trick here is to make it all convincing. Just say it matter of fact without waving any flags.

MCF: and who were “you”? Meaning who did she think she was chatting with on this personals site?
Rey: i went by your real name.
Rey: i thought using a pseudonym would be deceptive.
MCF: i hope you’re joking

At this point he really did think I was joking especially with that ironic last bit of using a pseudonym and not wanting to be deceptive while impersonating someone else—but I know how his paranoia works. While he’s making some design mistake, something starts to nag his brain saying “did he really sign me up on some personals site? Nah, he wouldn’t do that again…I hope…”

I had to bring in some reinforcements. When you’re three hundred miles away from someone you can’t just pull a prank and hope it works—you have to be intricate with the details. You need accomplices who can do some on-the-ground-recon and others who are willing to get their hands dirty.

  • Accomplice 1: Mr.Pac Dan. Famous for his awesome Amazon reviews and having a name in the publishing industry, this is the man to go to if you need some good writing. Not only that; he has hundreds of girl friends who could be a convincing Elya (remember, that’s the name of the girl I supposedly chatted with). He wrote a script with enough specific details to be convincing like referencing the time he got back from lunch, saying his real name, but not enough details to make MCF able to follow up—ie: no call back number.
  • Accomplice 2: The Greek. This is probably MCF’s biggest fan and arch-nemesis. You could say he’s MCF’s Luthor. He has this weird habit of strolling into MCF’s cubicle, sitting directly next to him and snapping a picture with his camera phone before walking off without saying a word. He leaves MCF puzzled and nervous. The Greek is a master at pranks but he’s still learning the mind of MCF. I had to access him for tech info: how does a person access the outside line of the company from inside; can he ensure that the Vic (MCF) is away from his desk—and so on.
  • Accomplice 3: The Dame. PacDan acquired the aid of a person who had previously done some freelance for MCF. She has a sweet, honest voice and was completely up for the gag. She had to make the Call at a specific time; early enough for MCF not to be back at his desk and late enough to make him just miss the call.

The Execution: Mr PacDan is both a convincing writer and an extraordinary liar. With that combination he was able to get MCF and crew to hang back just a few minutes so that the Call could be completed.

This is what I see happened.

MCF got back to his desk with work-thoughts weighing heavily on his mind and his conscience likely nagging him. He likely mumbled “Of course” when he saw the little red light on his voicemail fully expecting that the project he’s been waiting all day for had come back while he was at lunch. He probably deeply regretted any time just minutes ago he was enjoying. Thankfully, he knew he could finally design {X} project and be done with it!

Quickly dialing his access code he stood and listened to a strange female voice who he thought was someone from a services department. He didn’t hear the message at first trying to place the name. Confused he replayed it and this time really listened hearing things like his real name, the time he gets back from lunch and her name: Elya.

He felt naked. He knew that he was no longer mysteriously cloaked and that someone out in the world wide web had access to his name and his work number! He made some effort at calming down, to keep still, but his fingers ignored him as they signed on to AIM.

MCF: dude what the heck, I thought you were kidding!
MCF: WHY is there a voicemail from someone called Elya?
Rey: She asked for “my” number when I chatted with her and I wasn’t sure about giving your house number.

Pause. Everything I’m saying is a lie but it’s all paced out so that it nudges his paranoia. I can’t just go out and spill the beans. I have to reveal one thing at a time like I gave her the number, but not his home number…

MCF: that’s REALLY MESSED up
MCF: you’re going to have to explain this. Can you please the next time you’re impersonating me clear this up?
Rey: I don’t know why you’re angry; she was pretty nice on email and on i-m

…and like me chatting with her on email and I-m pretending that I’m him…

MCF: that’s not the point, you shouldn’t be posing as me to anybody
Rey: i just gave info you would’ve
Rey: that i went to an all boys junior high school, that i went to a co-ed public school high school, etc. She seemed really nice

…or mistaking his true past while representing him obviously creating a horribly embarrassing situation if he ever talks to this fictitious girl and has to explain “his” mistakes…

MCF: my high school was all boys
MCF: i went to public school up to 8th grade
Rey: well, it doesn’t matter. You can clear it up with her

…and my blatant disregard of the facts. Do you see why I love Monk?

Rey: i would call her back if i were you.
MCF: she didn’t leave her phone number!
MCF: And, I shouldnt have to apologize and clean this up! My name shouldn’t even be on a personals site unless I personally put it there! What the hell!
MCF: if you weren’t my friend it would be identity theft
MCF: technically it is

I love that part. Just for your personal information: Identity Theft occurs when somebody deliberately steals your name and other personal information (such as birth date, Social Security number, address, name, and bank account) for fraudulent purposes; often to make purchase or commit a financial crime. Identity theft is a form of identity crime (where somebody uses a false identity to commit a crime). Less commonly, it is to enable illegal immigration, terrorism, espionage, or changing identity permanently.

MCF: you gave my work number
Rey: i didn’t give your home number!
MCF: with my voice mail
MCF: which has my real name in the recording
MCF: so some strange chick who liked the guy she chatted with now has this information
Rey: well, i had to give the real name
Rey: and a picture
MCF: thank God my parents are unlisted
Rey: no one would respond without those things
MCF: a PICTURE too?

It’s all in the pacing. That kind of revelation is crushing to someone who wishes to remain cloaked. Imagine his horror when Darrel or Rhodester (?!?) wrote a post about uncloaking him. He thought that somehow the genius man had pieced him together then laughed in relief (and honest-to-goodness enjoyment) at the pic.

Rey: i’m not seeing the big deal here
MCF: false pretense
MCF: identity theft!
MCF: plus i’m very private!
MCF: you impersonated me without my consent!
MCF: are you trying to get into my MCFAT?
Rey: what?
MCF: because this is becoming a better story for the first question than the one i had planned
Rey: i’m talking about real life and you’re talking about a blog?!?!?
MCF: this is like the 3rd or 4th time; how do you keep thinking this is ok?
Rey: that last time was just weak…
MCF: you went FAR further than the stuff that got me mad last time
Rey: hello?
Rey: hello?
AIM IM with MCF–Session Ended .

In other news, I did make it into his MCFAT.


8 responses to “Match Point”

  1. Poor MCF! You’re so rough on him. I love this whole mysterious thing though because it makes us draw up our own mental picture of what we think he looks like. But him teasing with us drives people like me crazy. He’ll post his chin and his shadow but not the whole picture. He’s like Wilson on Home Improvement.

    He should open up more to meeting people online. I met Darrell online and I don’t regret it at all. The internet is the perfect place for shy introverts.

  2. The internet is the perfect place for shy introverts

    Except that it encourages shyness and introvertedness. I think it’s good to get out and meet people in person. Of course, I admitted in the comments at another blog about five minutes ago that if it were up to me, I’d never leave my living room… so just ignore anything I say.

  3. As an only child he’s deprived of years of sibling abuse.

    Do you even read my blog? Have you listened to anything I’ve said in the last 14 years? I got PLENTY of abuse in school. In any case, YOU raise it to an art form, old friend.

    In the credit where credit’s due department btw, the decloaking was performed by Darrell.

    I can’t believe I asked the MCFAT question. I gotta get outside more…

  4. I got PLENTY of abuse in school.

    Do YOU even read my blog? I said “sibling abuse”. It’s very different from regular school abuse that just about everyone got. Some of that abuse consisted of poison berries or attempted murder. Sibling abuse doesn’t go that far. Sibling abuse is very close, so close that it understands your thinking and knows exactly what grates.

  5. As you say, I never had siblings. I never differentiated abuse types. So the people who stopped short of attempted murder and serious bodily harm, those were friends treating me like a brother?